Horrible Horomones
by evidently-emily
Summary: Even though Edward's face had lost the ability, his face came as close to blushing as possible. He smoothed out the dark wash Calvin Klein jeans, his face poised into an embarrassed sculpture. "It's Nessie. She's...well...bleeding." FunnyFluff. One shot


**A/N: **Hey all! This is my first Twilight fanfic. Just a sill one shot, let me know what you think!

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"It's finally happened."

These three words were enough to make the four men gathered in the spacious living room look up from their positions. The speaker was a bug eyed caramel hair colored male Edward, his hands balled up into fists at his side.

Jasper, his brother was poised on the edge of one of the oak chairs, smirking as he challenged a very frustrated looking Emmett to a game of chess. Across the room, Carlisle was peering into a newspaper, but set it down, startled at Edward's frustrated voice.

"What's going on, Edward?" Carlisle's velvety voice filled the room, all eyes were on Edward.

The women of the family were off on one of their weekend shopping sprees. Alice had seen a very overcast weekend in Chicago, and that was enough of an excuse for Esme, Alice, Rosalie, and Bella to collect the credit cards and the Porsche and head to the windy city.

Renesmee had stayed at home for a little quality bonding time with her father, uncles, and grandfather. Although, it seemed as though this weekend (which was looking to be a fun one until Renesmee had gotten unusually moody, so much that even her father couldn't dissect her thoughts) was taking a turn for the worse.

Even though Edward's face had lost the ability, his face came as close to blushing as possible. He smoothed out the dark wash Calvin Klein jeans, his face poised into an embarrassed sculpture. "It's Nessie. She's...well...bleeding."

At the hint of the word 'blood' the three other men in the room tensed up, Jasper especially. Despite the fact that Nessie was half human blood, she still did drink blood and took on at least half of the characteristics that her parents and family did.

"Did she get a paper cut?" Jasper winced, having a death grip on his bottom lip, his hand still poised on his king chess piece.

"No, that's not it at all..." Edward breathed. How to explain this?

"Oh!" It finally clicked for Carlisle, though for a medical major it probably shouldn't have taken this long. Although, Renesmee really was one of a kind, there was no way of predicting this. The doctor cleared his throat, a nervous habit he had acquired and thought for a moment.

"Alright, Emmett and Jasper - you two go to the store and buy some things. We'll probably need some relievers for the cramps, and something to help with the mood swings. Something to er, stop the bleeding as well," Carlisle stammered out, always the leader and the one who used his head the most. "Edward, you and I will try to get her to relax."

Emmett and Jasper both tried to keep in mind that this was for their niece, but neither looked too happy to be going to shop for feminine hygiene products, but the alternative, well, neither were too happy about either.

Careful, confused and very, very, very humiliated Emmett and Jasper slunk into Edward's volvo (the most average car that the family owned, two ridiculously handsome vampires shopping for tampons and such would draw a crowd already, let alone if they brought an XXL sized jeep or something).

Emmett positioned himself at the wheel while Jasper lingered back in the passenger seat. The drive to the store was quite awkward, and they both walked as quickly as possible into the store.

"Um, uh," Emmett, who was completely and totally oblivious to what was going on stared at Jasper. "What are we supposed to get?"

Jasper shook his head, grabbing a shopping card and maneuvering it through the store while Emmett trailed behind. First, they made a stop to the pharmacy, throwing in a box of Midol, Pamprin, Tums and some cough drops...Emmett insisted on the cough drops. ("What?" He had told Jasper. "What if Nessie thinks they taste good?")

Next it was onto the hard part - the tampons. Jasper and Emmett both were slightly more careful as they approached the wall which was filled floor to ceiling with diapers, pads, tampons of different sizes, shapes, colors, scents (neither could tell why you'd needed a SCENTED one) all lined up neatly in plastic packaging or a box.

"There's so fucking many." Emmett grumbled something that would be completely inaudible to any human listener.

Next to them were three 13-year-old girls, each armed with their own basket. From the looks of it, the contents were nothing but lipgloss, the new Seventeen magazine with Nick Jonas' face plastered onto it. They were eying the two boys, giggling and then returning to the tampons.

Jasper sighed, maybe this little crowd they had gathered could help them out. "Excuse me," Jasper's velvety voice was directed towards the three awkward girls. They immediately stood tense when he began speaking to them. "We're in a bit of a dilemma."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Back at the house, Carlisle and Edward were not having much success trying to get Renesmee to calm down. Things were being thrown at the bathroom door, each time something hit the wood with a _thwack _both men would tense up and stare at each other.

"Nessie, please just listen to me," For most people, the sound of Carlisle's voice alone would get them to freeze in motion, but Nessie was still in hysterics. "This happens to every girl. Your body is getting rid of the unfertilized..."

"SHUT UP!" Something very breakable hit the door, as proven as whatever is shattered on the ground.

"Young lady," Edward was having difficulty threatening his daughter, who at this point looked to be only 4 or 5 years younger than him. It was hard to reprimand a girl as your daughter when she could pass easily for your sister. "You listen to me and stop right now."

Nessie paused breaking things for a moment. "I...I want...chocolate."

Both men blinked in the direction of the door. Chocolate wasn't exactly something that they kept around the house. Even Nessie was partial most of the time for blood and not human food. But, anything to get Nessie away from the make up. Alice would have a fit to come home and see that her carefully accumulated cosmetics supply had been ripped apart.

"Chocolate it is then." Edward sighed and with that, they both flew down the staircase in search for some form of chocolate.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was only another half an hour before Emmett and Jasper had rolled up the driveway, the gravel crumbling underneath the tires of their vehicle. They had checked out no problem, and the girls had been a little too eager. They ended up with 10 boxes total, and each male was armed with a bag as they entered into the living room.

"Honey, we're home!" Emmett dumped the contents of his bags on the kitchen table while Jasper neatly stacked his bags along the counter.

Carlisle shut the cabinets, holding up a slightly aged Hershey's bar in victory. His eyes flashed to what the guys had picked up at the store. "Thank you, if you wouldn't mind bringing those upstairs for me that would be a big help." Carlisle returned upstairs with Jasper and Emmett shadowing him.

Edward showed a sign of relief on his face as Jasper carried a tampon box, Emmett brought the midol and Carslisle held the chocolate, which was a mystery in itself as to why there was a chocolate bar in a house full of vampires. Huh. Weird.

The men all looked at each other, the same thought on their mind. _Now what? _Obviously none of them would be able to open up the door, God knew what Nessie was doing in their that would scar them for the rest of eternity.

"Are you all going to stand there like idiots or are you gonna help me?!" The young girl shouted from inside the bathroom.

Carlisle looked from Jasper to Emmett to Edward. "Obviously we're going to have to go in there and help her..." Carlisle grumbled.

The thought made each and everyone of them have their eyes bug out. There was no way in hell that they would all go in there and help her.

"I don't even know what the hell this is!" Jasper waved around the tampon box. Carefully, he took one out and stared at violently as thought it was going to bite his finger off. He turned the box around, staring at the back of the box. "Oh my...she has to wear this in...oh...wow."

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad," Emmett grabbed the back of the box, reading exactly how to insert the contraption. "THERE'S NO WAY I'M HELPING OUT WITH THAT."

"How scarring would it be for a girl to have her Grandfather help her with something like this? I can't, it's an invasion of her privacy." Carlisle shook his head.

"Well aren't you all just a great big bundle of help!" Edward growled louder than he probably should have. "You really expect me to..."

He was cut off by four cackling women opening the front door and traveling up the stairs. There was no doubt who they were - Esme, Bella, Alice and Rosalie.

The guys all exchanged looks with each other - filled with relief, confusion, and anger.

"How long have you been home?" Carlisle stared at them, having an idea of what their answer would be.

Esme smiled, flipping a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear. "Long enough to know the situation."

"And you didn't help us?!" Emmett growled.

"Are you kidding me?" Alice wiped imaginary tears away from her face, her melodic laughter paired with Rosalie's snicks, Bella's outright roaring and Esme's quiet, discreet chuckles the whole room was filled with female laughter and the males staring onward with confusion.

"Glad we're having a pow wow out there," Nessie shot out at the group through the door. "But, I still need some help in here."

Continuing to laugh, the girls gathered the medicine, chocolate and tampons and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind them. And with that, Edward, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett slunk down into the living room with hopes of never, ever having to go through that again.


End file.
